As I start to type I wonder where I am heading. Can I be honest? Will I be honest? Or, will I simply settle for typing a few words designed to fill the screen and continue this blog on its merry little way. A better question might be, "Is it possible for me to even convey what is in my heart and in my mind?"
They say that it's easier to say things to a computer than to a real person. For me that isn't true. I usually can share what I'm thinking pretty easily face to face. Also, I have spent the vast majority of my life with a phone growing out of my ear. Sometimes it's harder for me to type because I want to be eloquent. And, when you type something it's in black and white. It's more difficult to say that I didn't say that.
See...I'm dragging my feet to even begin. Here goes...
Today has just been a tough day. When I woke up I felt anxious and tense. Having coffee with my daughter Hannah did nothing to ease that tension. If anything it might have added to the mountain of dread that seemed to be weighing heavily on me. That might have had something to do with her trying to print an essay she spent hours working on and realizing her computer was dead AND her charger suddenly wasn't working. For the love of Pete and it wasn't even 6:15 am. That should be illegal!!
Finally she left, thanking the good Lord that my laptop cord works on her laptop. (Crazy thing is her laptop cord doesn't work on my laptop...strange).
After she left I sat in my sun room staring mindlessly out the window drinking...coffee, lots of coffee. Like that's going to settle my rattled nerves.
My amazing, wonderful, hunky husband came into the sun room around 7:30 to say he was heading out the door for work. Truthfully I cannot even remember what he said, but I can remember the deer in the headlights look as all the tension mounting up inside of me spewed forth into a stream of emotion and verbiage.
Yuck. I hate spewing!! Really I do.
And as I'm spewing I'm wondering, "What in the world is wrong with me?" My husband had said, nor done anything to deserve such spewage. Handsome hubby with his backpack on ready to walk out the door looked quite confused. Gotta love him though...he put the backpack on the floor and pulled up a chair.
Truth is buried behind the bravado of faith and trust lurks the ugliness of fear and inadequacy. And doubt and discouragement knock on my door on a daily basis. Sometimes the knock is quiet and I ignore it. Sometimes it is more persistent and I open the door just so I can peek out to see who it is. When I try to close the door, they stick their foot in the door.
Today, these unwelcome guests broke down the door, came in, sat down and made themselves at home. They settled in. Evidently they were planning to stay a while.
What I do know is this...it is just a part of the journey. When you commit to follow Jesus it will not be easy. Period.
More on this later...